Do Discern and Discard – Don’t Accommodate

By Amy Owens, The Singles Coach

​As you may be aware, I talk with single people every day.  A frequent topic of our discussions is past dating relationships.  We talk about where, when and how my client met a former relationship partner; what attracted my client to them, and what the pair struggled with that ultimately ended the relationship. Once we get this far, my client typically says something like, “He/she wasn’t right for me. I never should have dated them in the first place.”

How can it be that so many bright, accomplished people have the same experience? 

The answer is actually simple.  On the one hand, dating is a way to try on a relationship pairing to see if it fits us.  On the other hand, dating is also a way to create and grow a relationship with the intent of marriage or a permanent pairing.

As I see it, the first three to six dates should be used to tease out who has long-term potential for us. In these dates, we should be selective. Does this person meet the criteria we’ve carefully discerned as being right or necessary for us in a long-term relationship?  Unless they do, we don’t continue to date them.  Period.  

I think what often happens is that we meet someone who meets some of our criteria or who has some long-term potential for us, and rather than calling it off, we begin to accommodate ourselves to them.

We begin to adapt, oblige, indulge or conform to their needs, wishes and patterns.  The longer the relationship goes, the more we adapt and accommodate.  My best example is a former client who is an accomplished, wealthy professional who debriefed his disastrous marriage with me.  When we were finished, he said, “She USED me.  AND I LET HER!”  Amen.

We could change the people and change the details, but the story is almost always the same.  We adapted and accommodated when we should have discerned and discarded.

​​In the same way that we decline to buy a pair of shoes that don’t fit or a car that doesn’t meet our needs, it’s OK for us to take a pass on a dating candidate who isn’t a great fit for us.  No explanation or apology necessary.  Not a good fit.  No sale.  Period.