Jammies and Tea

By Amy Owens, The Singles Coach

​One of the graduates of my singles course emailed me the other day with this update:  “I joined Match.com and am having fun. My rules are:  1) Don't take it too seriously; 2) Be nice to everyone, and 3) To get results, you have to work hard. (Well, at least I do.)

“I’ve been out to coffee with two different men.  The dates were enjoyable, but I knew they weren't for me.  And knowing that was reassuring.

“The guy I met on Sunday was very interesting, but he didn't get a return-to-me ticket.  When he didn't help me with my coat, I began to wonder what other common day-to-day, make-life-easier-and-nicer things he also doesn’t feel are important.  I mean, if he doesn't help me with my coat, there is no way he will put my jammies in the dryer on a rainy day when I am not feeling well.  The husband of a friend of mine does that!

​“I suppose we all have different measurements.  Me, I am looking for a man to warm my jammies and fix me tea on a rainy day when I’m not feeling well.”

​Anyone reading this who thinks that this woman is high maintenance or “nuts” has missed the point.  She is a kind and gentle woman who wants a tender, caring, thoughtful man.  She is not asking for him to be six feet tall, have multiple degrees or a six-figure income.  She simply wants a man who is dialed into her feelings and her needs.  The man she’s looking for is probably someone who would appreciate being babied when he’s feeling tired, stressed or under the weather.  Since she wants that for herself, she will happily, lovingly, and willingly do the same for him.  Their relationship will be one in which love is expressed through reciprocal acts of kindness.

Their relationship will be radically different from one in which each partner is expected to fend for him or herself – to row their own canoe, as it were.  In that kind of relationship, love will be expressed by respecting their partner’s need for space and independence.

Which kind of relationship is best?  Both.  Like shoes, it doesn’t matter what they are made of or what they look like.  What matters is that they comfortably fit the person who is wearing them. 

Before you set out on your search for Mr. or Ms. Right, I hope you will first take some time to get clear about the kind of person and the type of relationship that will fit you most comfortably.​