Seeking Solace

 By Amy Owens, The Singles Coach

​I recently heard a crisis expert say, "We are all seeking nurture, closeness and reassurance now."

Yes, this is a time when we all want to connect and to feel connected to other people.  The longing and the need to connect may be even stronger for single people - especially if we don't have or don't feel connected to a family or a cohesive group of supportive friends.  I believe this is a time when singles might be tempted to rush into relationships we would have shunned in more "normal" times.

​A case in point is a 30-year old woman who registered for Dating Boot Camp in early September.  She had never married and wasn't dating anyone at the time she registered.  Four weeks later, she emailed me, "I've met a wonderful man, and I'm not going to need your classes!!!"

In a subsequent phone conversation, she gleefully told me that she and her "wonderful man" are planning to get married in mid-January.  They have only known each other for a month, and they are planning their wedding!  I truly hope it works out for them, but I am very concerned - for both of them.

​Relationships, all relationships, take time to develop.  If we try to rush the process, we make mistakes.  A cake takes a certain amount of time to bake, and we cannot take it out of the oven just because "we can't wait."  If we do, we end up with a soggy, gooey mess - a disappointment to everyone.

Relationships, all relationships, take time to develop.  If we try to rush the process, we make mistakes.  A cake takes a certain amount of time to bake, and we cannot take it out of the oven just because "we can't wait."  If we do, we end up with a soggy, gooey mess - a disappointment to everyone. 

​When we feel needy or vulnerable, I suggest we stick with people, places, and things we already know - people, places, and things that have a positive, proven track record for us.

For example, I think it's a better idea to make a conscious effort to touch base with people who have been in our lives for a while instead of rushing out to find a new "wonderful" person to cling to.  It's probably also better to go to places that have been good for us in the past instead of stressing ourselves by going out to try new places and things.

​Don't know where to start?  Here are some ideas:

• Call your family members - each of them - just to say hello.  Review your phone contacts.  Identify people you've lost touch with and give them a call or send a text or email.  Invite people to get together with you - for dinner, conversation, cards, a walk or a movie.
• Look through your photos.  Recall the people and the good times those pictures represent.  Get in touch with some or all of those people.
• Treat yourself well.  Be gentle with yourself.  Don’t over work, over eat, or over spend.  Get enough sleep, rest, and “down” time.
• Buy yourself something special – something you’ve been wanting but keep talking yourself out of.  (Stay within your budget so you can avoid feeling guilty.)
• Take your time.  Leave 10 minutes early and drive a little slower.  Allow other drivers to slip in front of you and do so with a generous heart.  As you drive, look deeply into the landscape and really "see" what's there.

Rest assured:  The "wonderful" person you are looking for is out there.  He or she is looking for you, too - right now.  When the time is exactly right, you will find each other.

In the meantime, take care of your precious self!